Because I have more projects than I can shake a stick at, and a stick to shake at them, I decided to start something new with my monthly column here. If you know me out there in reality, then you know I specialize in unsolicited advice. And so one night, over beverages with some buddies, I decided to use this space every few months to answer a question or two and share my non-expert, totally amateur, non-professional two cents with you all. (Did I mention that I’m not a professional and that this isn’t professional advice? Oh, good.)
I hope you enjoy the first of my Ask Alexa columns! If you’ve got a question, feel free to post it on the Tea and Strumpets Facebook page, and be on the lookout for the next Q&A.
How do you tell the man in your life that he’s not satisfying you sexually? My wonderful boyfriend and I are deeply in love, and I don’t want to hurt his feelings by telling him that he’s not making the grade in bed.
Please help me start this conversation! I really want our relationship to be as perfect under the covers as it is everywhere else.
I’m so glad you’ve sent me this question. I think this is a concern many women share because we often place a loved one’s feelings above our own needs. While every relationship demands compromise and sacrifice from time to time, successful sexual communication can create a situation where both parties can give and take and everyone still comes out ahead (ha ha, heyo!).
But kudos to you for recognizing that you and your sweetheart will have to talk this out. The only way you two will work through this is to communicate with each other. Don’t worry, though; this isn’t going to be like the division-of-chores talk. You’re talking about sex, after all! You should make this conversation fun.
First, understand that your man wants you to have mind-bending pleasure in bed. Good men want to please their women. Indeed, for many men, the ultimate test of manhood is the ability to bring a partner to the heights of ecstasy. So take heart. I know you were smart enough to have chosen a good man for your partner. So you can presume that he wants the best for you in bed.
Now you just have to tell him what that is.
Unfortunately — and I as an erotica writer am totally willing to take my share of responsibility for this — many of us women seem to think a man wakes up in the morning with knowledge of what we want. That’s just not true, and I think that’s probably a good thing. I think we’re more likely to have a great experience if we’re learning about ourselves and each other together. And so, I think the first step to getting the best from your man, now that you know he really wants to give you his best, is to make this a journey of sensual discovery and exploration. This interaction won’t be about what he isn’t doing or about what’s wrong. You’ll be talking about what is going right and what could be going even righter.
How do you do that? I’ve got some ideas for you.
Guide his hand. A lot of women think that’s kind of rude, but a dude will absolutely take your hand and put it where it needs to be in the name of clarity and efficiency. No amount of description will make the point as clearly. So as you’re getting it on, take his hand. Put it where you need it. Tell him (in a hot, sexy way, of course) “like this.” And when he starts doing it “like this,” make sure he knows what a very good thing that is. There’s a limit to how many times you can do this in one session — I mean, do you want someone moving your hand every time you put it somewhere? — but used sparingly, taking his hand can be very effective.
Tell him what you like. I know your man is doing something right in bed. When you’re in each other’s arms, tell him just how good he can make you feel. Don’t be shy. Tell him you love it when he pulls your hair or bites you or talks dirty to you or whatever is floating your boat. Tell him it would really make you hot if he pulled your hair or bit you or talked dirty to you or whatever you would like to float your boat. He will probably follow up by trying something you’ve mentioned, asking how he’s doing, and perhaps suggesting something else. If this other thing does nothing for you, tell him you prefer one of the other specific things you’ve been talking about. (And pick one. Don’t make him guess which.) Your man will stick with what is working at the top of your list of preferences.
If you absolutely must tell him that something is not working, consider how you would like that done if your positions were reversed. Because it’s altogether possible that you’re doing something he’d like for you to stop, too. Make this a dialogue that you have when you’re in bed but not planning to have sex. Talk about the things you enjoy, and ask what aspects of your lovemaking please him the most. Then move the conversation to adaptations he could make to go from good to great to gossip-worthy, and be sure you open the door for him to do the same. Be warned — this approach can come off a bit like a performance review, and it’s easy to wind up feeling awkward. I think of this as a last resort.
I want to pause here to address That Jackass We’ve All Been Out With. The Jackass would counter your sexy suggestions by asking where you learned about these things you enjoy. He might shame you. He might bring your exes into it. The Jackass is the reason this conversation is so hard to have, because the Jackass is not about you. The Jackass is about the Jackass.
It’s important to remember that you’re not with the Jackass now. You are with your good man, your chosen lover, and he only wants to please you. So don’t hesitate to offer him the guidance he may not know he needs. Keep it gentle, supportive, encouraging, and above all, sexy, and brace yourself for spectacular results. Over and over again.
Clear your calendar, J.S.! And enjoy.
All the best,
P.S.: Anyone else got two cents for J.S.? Drop them in the Comments!